02/05/13
11.29pm
I still wear your t-shirts to bed
to not would be unthinkable;
you are my night-time skin
28/04/13
2.14am
For weeks after you left
the steam from the shower would reveal
shapes
that you drew on the glass
Now, when I try to picture you lying next to me
I can’t;
I can’t remember how it felt
and it feels like I am losing you all over again
How can I explain
my solitude
to you?
I miss how
complete I felt
and how your love felt like safety
and your hands upon my face
oh, your palms pressing lightly into my cheeks
made lights shine in your eyes and mine
Now there is ash in my eyes
and in the day it’s still dark
and every time I remember you
(at least a thousand times a day)
I lose you again
You are coping well with
your decision
and I am a castle in ruins
a city burned to the ground
a two-hundred-year-old tree
ripped from the earth
uprooted and left to die
I am a book with half of its pages missing;
the main character is lost and
there are no words for the ending.
4/4/13
April
I am wrinkled bedsheets and
sleep in the corner of eyes
I am heavy groans and
little moans
I am dry mouth and
licked lips
I am hot ovens and
cold nights
I am twisted coils and
the metallic tang
I am soft curves and
churning guts
I am coffee granules and
long sleeves
I am magazines cut-outs and
mournful sounds
I am the song of life and
the whisper of death
and I hope that spring will take me away.
4/4/13
9.32 p.m.
I am heavy with thick tar
clogging up my chest,
my throat;
drowning all my brain cells,
suffocating my skin,
weighing me down,
so that my eyelids do not want to open.
I know it would never be the same
but I do not know how to be without
you and the life you showed me.
I can’t go back
and I don’t know how to go forward;
butter kisses
and entangled limbs
and I never felt alone.
It’s almost as if it were never real
as if I made you and me up
and we talk with veils over our faces
and collect dust to build walls between us.
I do not know you
but I know everything about you:
you are a stranger that was once part of me.
it is like not knowing a piece of myself;
my entity is cracked and split like dry lips,
and I am lost and empty;
missing a vital organ needed to live but
not exist.
I am caught in the night with conjurings of you,
and I wake alone in a bed you used to share
I wither into a void
and I hope you grow, oh,
I hope you grow.
what else could this be for?
22/3/13
126
It’s been one hundred and twenty six days since you left
and your name can still create pool of pain
that spill from my eyeballs
and onto the bedsheets that
you once slept beside me on
most days are okay and I can stand
on my own two feet and my bones support me
but sometimes a word or a gesture or a thought
will crack my spine
and I will fall
the foundations of my soul, I feel,
are being glued back together with ice
and it is turning me darker than I have ever been
but it may be just for now
and it may be this cold weather that
protects me from the burn of the sun
It is so strange without you here, when I think about it fully;
there is a hardness to the world
and a chill in the air
and I have become quite numb
to everything but you
and me
I remember in vivid detail
the way your hands pushed my cheeks together
and the glee and excitement and love
that shone in your face
each time you saw how cute it made me.
it terrifies me that I will never forget
the way your skin felt against my face
and the way you kissed me after
I am in love with you
in love with you still
in love with you always
12/3/13
2:17am
We talk through windowpanes
and doors
pretending to ourselves
that each other’s hearts are shells
hard and devoid of what we, ourselves, feel
but if you put your head against my chest
you will hear the deep roaring of the sea
and even if it is just the wind playing tricks
and rattling through my bones
you should know that the wind is just as powerful and full of songs
as the ocean could ever be.
A Delicacy
Men like friend like foe
burned her body
and then left her for ashes
Men like friend like foe
crept like tigers through the open windows
and left cracks in the glass with their claws
Men like friend like foe
delved in deep and opened her up
and picked her bones clean like crows
The girl who is inside out
is raining hard
and she trembles more than before
Her organs collapse inside her cardboard figure
and the foundations crumble beneath
her tentative touch
She is a delicacy
but after the first taste she is no more a mystery
after a while she becomes nothing
nothing to you
nothing to you men
like friends like foes
In the process of working on some new poems (:
08/02/13
Threadbare
My mind is breaking beneath me
cigarettes and coffee
come on, be the cliché
my mind is screaming at me
Painting red and being cold
I just want someone to hold
arching my body to the night
open your mouth, take a bite
I crave it; glass breaks
and my bones inside me ache
to pull their way through my skin
to burst their way out from within
Heart woven from knotted thread
pushing needles in instead
skull cracking under pressure
hurt me, heal me, at your leisure
Keep on dancing around the truth
I will be the one to move
bricks at the ready, but walls never built
words held in my mouth, but rarely spilt
I’ve got a feeling that I’ll never be a song
the music is right but the words are all wrong
I wish I had the will to just wish it away
I’ll just have to hope that I’ll be happy someday
I’ll just have to hope that somebody will stay
I’ll just have to hope that I don’t fade away.
05/01/13
12.51am
My heart is tired of
fighting for what I want
I am a series of rejections anyway.
I drag myself out of the ocean
and continue to offer my soul but
it rains; it pours.
Fire doesn’t burn forever without kindling;
flames don’t keep on dancing without air.
“I don’t know what to feel,” he said
and in that moment I felt everything for him.
I open up my ribcage day after day
but my bones turn to ashes
and my fingertips whisper secrets to the wind.
No one holds them
No one holds them.
