06/08/14

12.53 a.m.

I thought I was an expert on love
but I learnt two weeks ago
that love is not black and white
as I’d always thought

I should have known
since you’ve always been the grey
in which my heart pulled and pushed
and I scrabbled at the inside of my brain
wondering how it could be possible
to love you for almost five years
but not want you entirely
and if I don’t want you entirely
then how is it that I love you?

At last I said the words out loud
and after that I just had to tell you
for all the times you
put your heart at my feet
just for me to not even notice that it was there
and accidentally tread all over it
as I walked into someone else’s arms

I’ve said my sorry’s in the dark
our faces close
limbs entwined
I wanted to say it then but I was
too afraid
so I wrote it out and sent it via the internet
I tried to fit my soul into the words
to make up for my mistakes

And I worried that five years on
you’d find it too much
but you said thank you
and that it made you feel good
and that as all I wanted:
to give something back to you 

06/08/14

Summer heat makes us
kick off the blanket as you move over me
our bodies sweating and I
grasp the metal frame of the bed and try not to be so loud

You are soft under the covers with me
but outside of the bed you are
like someone I have never touched
I am like someone you have never loved

I find this transition difficult to experience
from lovers to friends in seconds
and then back again when we are alone
to love you and not love you
in two seconds flat
I’m just pretending

21/07/14

1.27 a.m. 

We lie together
breath mingling in the small space between our mouths
intertwined limbs and interlocked fingers
my hands betray me
as they travel around your skin:
thy give me the answer

Your body is poetry
that I try to read with my finger tips
your skin a celestial selection of carefully crafted words
and I wonder if eyes are truth-tellers after all
and if you know it when I look at you

You come into my life in chapters
your fingers tracing every inch of my body
your words sinking into my skin
and its funny how this is where I am happiest
but there is never any certainty and I
am always the one to leave
I think you will go this time

I hunger for moments with you
whilst your lack of appetite
creates fireworks in my belly
and I scorn myself for being an ocean

I’ve never been touched
the way you touch me
endlessly
as if I am beautiful
as if I am the sea

And in the moment where you say all the right things
my ribs could
crack open and produce my beating heart into your hands
and you’d have no idea what to do with it

I am the ocean
and you are the sky
and at times it looks as if we melt
into each other and there are times when
we could never be farther apart

I am the ocean
and you are the sky
and I am as deep
as you are high

reconstructionpursuit said: You are not just your body. This is beautiful.

Thank you <3

You Are Not Just Your Body

"You are not just your body"
I see written and said,
but my body is not a “just”
as if it is an ugly thing that can be
excused by my beautiful soul

No, I am not only my body
but my body is a facet of 
myself as a whole and
every single part of my whole 
is a big part of me

My body
is a part of me
that I have tried to shrink so it would fit
my idea of who I thought I should be
whilst I tried to expand
the feeling of being powerful and in control
and succeeded only
in shrinking myself as a whole

My body
is a part of me 
that I have tried to pull into the very foundations of itself
and as I was searching for the ever-elusive cure for my misery
illness carved its signature into my skin a thousand times 
whilst I coughed my guilt to the sound of the shower running

My body 
is a part of me
that I whittled away at every day 
losing myself even quicker than I was losing weight 
and purging my soul of myself as much as I was starving my body of its mass

My body 
is a part of me
that kept me alive through every day that I put it through hell
it broke free from me
when I could not make the right decisions for myself
and it gave me
another chance to prove to it that I was worthy of being carried

My body
worked with me as I
tentatively joined its side in the fight for our health
it started shouting urgent orders and
I now knew to obey because
under its command it would bring me back to me

My body
forgave me for burning it to the ground under the dictatorship of a demon
my body 
worked without a break to
repair and build and heal
my body
helped me to 
create a new me
a strong, brave, and resilient woman 
who learnt that her body had fought for her the entire time

My body
is part of me
and I
am part of my body
and together
in harmony
we are a force to be reckoned with.

24/3/14

1am

When the waves roar too loudly
I like to tear lines in soft things
but it is never enough to
cease the movement of the sea
or raise the depth of the ocean

I am smothered by my own repulsion
and these days I cannot bear to look

I am choking on soliloquies
that will never be heard by anyone
I am drowning in
glass that I could open my wrists with
but I don’t

I am fraying even as I sew
acid burning holes in
carefully built up walls
the inmates have broken free
and we fear for the safety of the public

Flesh that doesn’t feel like mine
won’t stay away from its neighbour
I am weeping apologies 
to the emptiness in my bed

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
 

I want to quit university and stay in bed forever
and hide from the world and all it wants to take from me

I want to someone to love me and
I want to move in together and bake cakes and
dance in the living room and twirl under his arm but not to that one song 
that belongs to another man at another time and will he ever leave my head?

I want to own a dog and joke that it is in preparation for a baby 
but really it’s only a half joke and I will be torn between wanting a child right now and doing other things that I want to do first

I want to starve myself to bones whilst I don’t have a lover to be sane for
I want feel nothing, be nothing, leave me alone

I want to be something
make something
know something
I want to leave my mark on the world 

I want to live in a cottage in the countryside
and decorate the rooms with beautiful art and ornaments
I want to be able to see the stars at night and 
I want to be at peace

I want to be empty but
I want to be whole

(Source: thisistheanswertonothing)

5/11/13

November

You are in the air again
the cold, crisp air and
it makes me pause to catch my breath
The wind puts a chill in my heart
as well as my skin
it makes me shiver with
regret
This time of year undoubtedly makes me feel
closer to you
I can feel the
ghost of our past
revisiting
remembering
but
it rips me open and turns me
inside out
upside down
My heart used to be worn on my sleeve but
you took it with you when you left and
now there is an emptiness in me;
a hollowed out space inside my soul that
yearns, aches, breaks for you
It is almost winter and
the drop in temperature
and rise in Christmas spirits
only makes me feel more alone
I will soon pine for you amongst flashing lights 
and mulled wine
and men and women
wrapped up in their woolly hats and scarves
will put their hands in each others pockets
and I will choke back my misery as I watch them
craving my fingers to be curled up 
against your palm, our hands
together in your pocket
the cold lessening against your skin.

thisistheanswertonothing:

Sadness is waking up and wondering how much longer you can force your body to sleep so that you have a while longer before you face the day
sadness is that empty space in your chest that doesn’t go away but can be felt most acutely in the early hours of the morning when you are alone
it is looking in the mirror and feeling the black fog roll over you when you see nothing but flaws and imperfections 
it is waiting for a call or message that never comes but spending all night longing and hoping for it anyway
sadness is not being able to find the energy to get dressed and go out to see friends
it is crying at least once a day because you miss someone terribly
it is not being able to stop thinking that being sick was better just because you were thin
it is being sick and thin and hating yourself even more
sadness is loving someone who has forgotten you
it is holding back tears just because the man opposite you is able to eat lunch
it is watching your friends ache
it is remembering sending him away
sadness is a terrifying darkness that threatens to consume you every day
because it is there every day
for you, and I

08/9/13

That summer where you held my hand
and kissed me when you weren’t supposed to
I knew right then but I could never say no
and I could taste the chemicals on your tongue

I never could decide whether
I loved you or not
it was just never enough
it never felt good enough
and now three years later I find myself in your bed
with you 
looking at me with eyes that mesmerise
and even after years I still don’t feel I know you
what’s under your skin
what’s beneath the smoke
if there is anything

if you are the earth then I am the sky
and we can never really touch each other
we are of different substances
but you are on my mind
like an optical illusion I can’t figure out
but we are never going to take the same road

I’m leaving without
you