reconstructionpursuit said: You are not just your body. This is beautiful.

Thank you <3

You Are Not Just Your Body

"You are not just your body"
I see written and said,
but my body is not a “just”
as if it is an ugly thing that can be
excused by my beautiful soul

No, I am not only my body
but my body is a facet of 
myself as a whole and
every single part of my whole 
is a big part of me

My body
is a part of me
that I have tried to shrink so it would fit
my idea of who I thought I should be
whilst I tried to expand
the feeling of being powerful and in control
and succeeded only
in shrinking myself as a whole

My body
is a part of me 
that I have tried to pull into the very foundations of itself
and as I was searching for the ever-elusive cure for my misery
illness carved its signature into my skin a thousand times 
whilst I coughed my guilt to the sound of the shower running

My body 
is a part of me
that I whittled away at every day 
losing myself even quicker than I was losing weight 
and purging my soul of myself as much as I was starving my body of its mass

My body 
is a part of me
that kept me alive through every day that I put it through hell
it broke free from me
when I could not make the right decisions for myself
and it gave me
another chance to prove to it that I was worthy of being carried

My body
worked with me as I
tentatively joined its side in the fight for our health
it started shouting urgent orders and
I now knew to obey because
under its command it would bring me back to me

My body
forgave me for burning it to the ground under the dictatorship of a demon
my body 
worked without a break to
repair and build and heal
my body
helped me to 
create a new me
a strong, brave, and resilient woman 
who learnt that her body had fought for her the entire time

My body
is part of me
and I
am part of my body
and together
in harmony
we are a force to be reckoned with.

24/3/14

1am

When the waves roar too loudly
I like to tear lines in soft things
but it is never enough to
cease the movement of the sea
or raise the depth of the ocean

I am smothered by my own repulsion
and these days I cannot bear to look

I am choking on soliloquies
that will never be heard by anyone
I am drowning in
glass that I could open my wrists with
but I don’t

I am fraying even as I sew
acid burning holes in
carefully built up walls
the inmates have broken free
and we fear for the safety of the public

Flesh that doesn’t feel like mine
won’t stay away from its neighbour
I am weeping apologies 
to the emptiness in my bed

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
 

I want to quit university and stay in bed forever
and hide from the world and all it wants to take from me

I want to someone to love me and
I want to move in together and bake cakes and
dance in the living room and twirl under his arm but not to that one song 
that belongs to another man at another time and will he ever leave my head?

I want to own a dog and joke that it is in preparation for a baby 
but really it’s only a half joke and I will be torn between wanting a child right now and doing other things that I want to do first

I want to starve myself to bones whilst I don’t have a lover to be sane for
I want feel nothing, be nothing, leave me alone

I want to be something
make something
know something
I want to leave my mark on the world 

I want to live in a cottage in the countryside
and decorate the rooms with beautiful art and ornaments
I want to be able to see the stars at night and 
I want to be at peace

I want to be empty but
I want to be whole

(Source: thisistheanswertonothing)

5/11/13

November

You are in the air again
the cold, crisp air and
it makes me pause to catch my breath
The wind puts a chill in my heart
as well as my skin
it makes me shiver with
regret
This time of year undoubtedly makes me feel
closer to you
I can feel the
ghost of our past
revisiting
remembering
but
it rips me open and turns me
inside out
upside down
My heart used to be worn on my sleeve but
you took it with you when you left and
now there is an emptiness in me;
a hollowed out space inside my soul that
yearns, aches, breaks for you
It is almost winter and
the drop in temperature
and rise in Christmas spirits
only makes me feel more alone
I will soon pine for you amongst flashing lights 
and mulled wine
and men and women
wrapped up in their woolly hats and scarves
will put their hands in each others pockets
and I will choke back my misery as I watch them
craving my fingers to be curled up 
against your palm, our hands
together in your pocket
the cold lessening against your skin.

thisistheanswertonothing:

Sadness is waking up and wondering how much longer you can force your body to sleep so that you have a while longer before you face the day
sadness is that empty space in your chest that doesn’t go away but can be felt most acutely in the early hours of the morning when you are alone
it is looking in the mirror and feeling the black fog roll over you when you see nothing but flaws and imperfections 
it is waiting for a call or message that never comes but spending all night longing and hoping for it anyway
sadness is not being able to find the energy to get dressed and go out to see friends
it is crying at least once a day because you miss someone terribly
it is not being able to stop thinking that being sick was better just because you were thin
it is being sick and thin and hating yourself even more
sadness is loving someone who has forgotten you
it is holding back tears just because the man opposite you is able to eat lunch
it is watching your friends ache
it is remembering sending him away
sadness is a terrifying darkness that threatens to consume you every day
because it is there every day
for you, and I

08/9/13

That summer where you held my hand
and kissed me when you weren’t supposed to
I knew right then but I could never say no
and I could taste the chemicals on your tongue

I never could decide whether
I loved you or not
it was just never enough
it never felt good enough
and now three years later I find myself in your bed
with you 
looking at me with eyes that mesmerise
and even after years I still don’t feel I know you
what’s under your skin
what’s beneath the smoke
if there is anything

if you are the earth then I am the sky
and we can never really touch each other
we are of different substances
but you are on my mind
like an optical illusion I can’t figure out
but we are never going to take the same road

I’m leaving without
you

Your name sounds tangy in my mouth
like sugared lemon
or a storm surrounding a rainbow
I say it so it doesn’t show

I am pulled up by my spine every day
but every cell in my body screams in pain
I’ve got tentacles in my throat choking down the words
and I am breathing tar
every time I think of you
and that is nearly always
and that is nearly always

I’ve got creases in my skin
from where you touched me
from where I let you in
I’ve got bruises because you loved me
they leave marks upon my heart
I’ve got scars on the back of my eyelids
where your empty gaze tore me apart

I wish I could erase you
but I don’t regret a thing
and I wish I could erase you
but I don’t want to forget anything

Date unknown - August?

Drunk at 5am 23/6/13

5am sky
welcomed with birdsong and bees
a new day
a new day alone
and no one wonders
if I got home all right
and no one wonders
if I am all right
I just want to be held
but
the quiet of dawn
just tells of another night spent alone
red plume there and gone in seconds
and I question
if that is always to be
will I ever find myself
will I ever
will I

6/6/13

2.13am
There are no words for this, she said
as she cracked her skull open on the sharp loneliness of the night
and she swallowed her own tongue
because the sounds it formed gave her no solace.

She could not sleep so instead she carved words
into the back of her eyelids
and hung her veins on the wall
because they gave false hope to her heart.

There is no name for this, she said
as she ripped apart her ribs to expose
a mesh of scar tissue and a torn, barely beating organ.

She was a girl who walked around with skin for a cage
and at night it would melt
only to cover her once more when the morning came.